Cyclical awareness, Sadhana

The 6 most important lessons the February 2021 New Moon in Aquarius teaches us

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There’s a symphony of voices out there, and what’s happening in the stars is too important right now to let its lessons be obscured or silenced any longer. That’s why I’ve gathered up a summary of the New Moon in Aquarius February 2021’s most important lessons from my favorite astrologers and star guidesses.

If you haven’t heard yet or you haven’t felt it yet, right now (starting Feb. 11, 2021, across timezones) is an incredibly potent time for making sure we’re focusing our attention, time and energy on utilizing the play of the cosmos to inform and plant the seeds of possibility in our work and our lives. It’s the New Moon in Aquarius February 2021 and here’s what it means and what you can learn from it from my favorite astrologers and tarot readers.

New Moon in Aquarius February 2021 meaning

There’s this major thing happening in the start-studded macrocosm called a stellium. It’s a rare occurrence where a cluster of three or more planets are all in the same sign. In this case, we’ve got more than six planets in the sign of Aquarius during an Aquarius New Moon! (Aside from the Moon we’ve got the Sun, Mercury, Saturn, Jupiter and Venus.)

What this means for us humans down here on planet earth is that we have access to a crescendoing rhapsody of the unique energies and qualities of the astrological sign the planets are clustering in. And, even if we don’t have planets in Aquarius, we will certainly be feeling and experiencing Aquarian energies and qualities all around us during the next two weeks of this New Moon cycle.

To quickly summarize, Aquarian traits and qualities you may be feeling during this time (even if you’re not an Aquarius or don’t have the water bearer in your natal chart) include:

  • a building awareness of the injustices, inequalities and imbalances impacting your life and those your care about
  • and a call to do something about it. A drive to do work or start projects that are in support of group rather than individual needs
  • majorly creative and innovative energy flowing straight from the stars into your headphones
  • an impulse to make sure what you’re spending your time doing benefits the most–whether that’s people, animals, plants or something less tangible like experiences, knowledge, wisdom or traditions

Other influential cosmic energies impacting the New Moon in Aquarius February 2021

The stellium isn’t the only thing making this one of the most impactful New Moons of the new year. There is literally SO MUCH going on in the macro that helps us reflect on major collective human transitions in our ways of thinking and being…

  • Mercury is retrograding in Aquarius through January 20, 2021
  • Jupiter stays in Aquarius for (most of) the rest of 2021
  • Saturn stays in Aquarius until March 2023 (which is when Pluto enters Aquarius for 24 years to follow!)
  • February is considered one of three “clash points” this year by Chani Nicholas and other astrologers
  • The last time we had a stellium in Aquarius was February 1962 at the heart of the 60’s countercultural movement in response to the Vietnam War’s use of chemical warfare. This same year we also saw the phrase “Black is Beautiful” become culturally important to the civil rights movement, the Albany Movement civil rights protest against segregation,  James Meredith becomes the first African-American student to attend  “Ole Miss”, Cesar Chavez began rallying migrant workers in Calif., The Esalen Institute was founded, we began launching rockets to the moon, the Cuban Missile Crisis threatened nuclear war and Marilyn Monroe dies.
  • We’re in the midst of a Saturn-Uranus alignment, which “don’t get on. They represent energies that appear to be opposed but they both rule Aquarius in modern astrology (but not in traditional astrology). Alignments between these two represent a collision or meeting between the old and the new–times when change becomes unavoidable,” describes UK-based astrologer Jessica Davidson.
  • And if that weren’t enough, Pam Gregory gives an even more meta view into 2021’s cosmic energies and contexts in this video on her thoughts about 2021.

So what are the most important lessons this New Moon in Aquarius can teach us?

Let’s hear from six of my favorite astrologers, tarot readers and general star guidesses with their top lessons we can take away from this New Moon in Aquarius for February 2021.

1. New Moon in Aquarius wisdom from UK-based Astrologer, Pam Gregory

I have so much respect for Pam Gregory and the broad cosmic view she brings with her cyclical astrology readings. Pam’s perspective is one of the more infinite of astrologers out there. At once she’ll go from the mundane details of the lunar and planetary impacts on a day or a fortnight, fall back 20, 50 even hundreds of years in the history of humankind to help you build context of how the cosmic energies show important patterns that we can learn from, then expand out in every direction to explore other transits and aspects while bringing in physics, science and an intergalactic perspective you’re just not going to get anywhere else.

“Themes of human rights, civil rights, freedom, truth, disclosure, awakening, big shifts in consciousness, protests as well as eruptive Uranian energy of environmental, ecological or technological eruptions.

Squares are clashes where people have one set of views and it’s very hard for them to see around the corner to see the other people’s point of view. So, there’s no meeting point. It can be quite battling.”

Pam Gregory, Astrologer

2. Amber Khan’s real-talk lessons for the New Moon in Aqua

If you want real-talk from the lips of pure divinity, Amber Khan’s community, The Quietest Revolution, might be your peoples and your place. Her monthly Astro-tarot videos for each zodiac sign have been my only lantern guiding me through some serious letting go and re-building that started in Nov 2020. I love how she always tells it to me straight, but in a way that I really need to hear (if I’m willing to listen).

“Don’t hesitate to begin again, but quietly.
You have the energy to create something new, something you must nurture away from the light and the eyes of others.”

Amber Khan, The Quietest Revolution

3. Mystic Momma’s ever-relevant Aquarian wisdom vibes

Oh, Mystic Momma, how I miss thee so! While Mystic Momma has paused on sharing her astral insight compilations since the summer (craziness) of 2020, her wisdom drops are timeless lessons that really encapsulate the Aquarian New Moon and Aquarius archetype.

“Living systems adapt by transforming themselves.”

Mystic Momma, Wisdom
Raise a pledge of interdependence~
The soul of the world has the blueprint for the connections that need to be made~
Living systems adapt by transforming themselves~
Feel the open door~

4. Alina Alive’s grounded lessons and guided meditation for the New Moon in Aquarius February 2021

Alina is one of my newer astrological guidesses. I appreciate her pragmatic, natural approach to astrology by picking out key things to know about the cycle and putting out a well-organized, laser-focused video on what to pay attention to for this New Moon in Aquarius February 2021.

“Use all of this progressive, collaborative, free and forward-thinking Aquarian influence right now to help us look at our goals from a fresh perspective.”

Alina Alive

One of my favorite parts of Alina’s cyclical readings is that she also leads a guided meditation for the February 2021 Aquarius New Moon and her voice is so grounding and calming.

5. New Moon wisdom across the signs from author and astrologer, Chani Nicholas

From her beautifully-penned horoscopes for the week of Feb. 8, Chani gives us a little bit o’ love and many-a-lesson across the zodiac. I summarize the cruxt of her wisdom for each zodiac sign below. But the meta wisdom nugget that really encapsulates them all is:

Let go of what (and who) is not working for, rather than against, you and your vision.
Use this focused creative energy to align with your unique version of what’s possible and let curiosity, reciprocity, joy and generativity be your guides.

Lessons for Aries:

  • realign with those who hold a grander vision and understand the time it takes to cultivate bounty
  • practice receiving everything
  • remember your dreams and how to believe in them

Lessons for Taurus:

  • embrace being present to the gifts and the grace this moment affords
  • when you stop trying to contort yourself into the shape of success that the world has outlined, you come into alignment with what true prosperity looks like for you
  • your New Moon practice is to unfold, relax, and trust the success of this moment

Lessons for Gemini:

  • recommit to the philosophies that keep you in a clear and consistent relationship with what is generative, complex, and curious

Lessons for Cancer:

  • work through your fears of being vilified and disliked, and instead focus on being fair.
  • work through the disappointment that others aren’t exactly who you want them to be, and accept that they are exactly who they need to be

Lessons for Leo:

  • witness the power of the right relationships in your life, and the derailing nature of the ones that are off course, even just a little bit
  • give thanks to those who keep you afloat and say  goodbye to those that merely help you to pass the time

Lessons for Virgo:

  • take note of the good fortune that is finding you precisely because of all the upkeep you’ve been able to manage.
  • receive any assistance you’re being offered with an open mind and a willingness to share the work in order to get the best possible results.
  • disrupt the idea that you need to do it all on your own. Value the ease that appears when you need it most

Lessons for Libra:

  • work with this New Moon to create expansive works of art
  • or just relax and enjoy this New Moon by relishing every pleasure possible
  • there will always be moments in life when I need to be busy; let this New Moon be about being in joy

Lessons for Scorpio:

  • this moment makes clear the power you receive from reclaiming energy from the parts of your past that have previously pained you
  • beautify your sanctuary, put up images that affirm you, and indulge in comforts that soothe you
  • no one is allowed to rush you. Nothing is more urgent than making sure you know that your needs matter

Lessons for Sagittarius:

  • not everyone’s emergency is yours
  • your time is invaluable
  • know that your wisdom benefits from structure, but is also born of intuition—honor the need to be precise and the need to stay open to what is yet to arrive

Lessons for Capricorn

  • know that most systems you work within don’t share your point of view
  • you may never come to see the fruits of your labor, know that the key to success lies in your ability to shift culture
  • your real job is to bring awareness to how much we win when we are in it for the good of all involved. The work you do extends far beyond you, surpassing individual benefit alone. Keep this knowing front and center as you build

Lessons for Aquarius:

  • remember to extend patience when you feel others aren’t up to speed. Embody humility when you catch yourself thinking that you alone have the answers
  • a good teacher facilitates a space for others to think for themselves, rather than selling an idea. Consider how to inspire a process of exploration and curiosity in others and yourself
  • recommit to living beyond the stories that you’ve created about how life should be

Lessons for Pisces:

  • bear witness to what is working
  • the invisible good that is taking root right now will become a key component to what will eventually help you build many bridges with the world at large
  • soak in any celestial splendor offered and let yourself be renewed in the process

6. Sara Vrba of Moon Magic’s heart-full advice

You can’t deny the ever-deep gaze of one of the heart-fullest Astro-tarot readers out there, Sarah Vrba. In her Moon Magic video series, aligned with the new and full moon cycles, she connects with February’s Aquarian lunar energies and offers you a heads-up on how to move through it all with ease and grace. If you want to connect with a feminine star guidess who’s so comfortable in her own skin she’ll make you want to crawl in there alongside her and cozy up… she’s it.

“Have the courage to see differently.”

Sarah Vrba, Moon Magic
Communication, Hakomi

How to bring heart and build your courage at work

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Learn the building blocks of courage, what courageousness looks like in everyday moments, how to recognize it and its opposite (fear) in your body, and how to bring courage to your work.

As a woman having faced the everyday challenges of being the only female on an engineering team in the high-tech industry—courage has been a daily practice in my work.

As a human deepening my empathic sensitivity through re-connection with myself, my needs, and through practicing how to hold space for others—courage is a daily practice in my work.

Whether I’m noticing the subtle emotional shifts of people in a room, reading the non-verbal communications that tell a different story than words.

Or, feeling the intensity of another’s unconscious and unmet biases or emotions inappropriately expressed toward me—courage is a daily practice in my work.

Recognizing the unsatisfactory state of our collective relationships and our stunted ability to communicate with ourselves and one another, how can we build courage as a skill in our work?

The building blocks of courage

With the Full Moon overhead shining in the sign of Leo today (and the energy that will be with us over the next 2 weeks), we’re called forth to move in more expressive, courageous ways within ourselves, our lives, and our work in the world. 

The astrological sign of the lion brings with it all the heart and all the building blocks necessary to create the kind of courage you can be proud of: 

  • Vulnerability to express oneself in your own unique way.
  • Loyalty to your vision (without caring care about others’ opinions or judgments).
  • Strength to protect what you love.
  • Devotion to go all in—even into the toughest, most intimate parts of yourself and others—and stay with them.

“Love needs to know that we have the courage to protect it, the roar to ward off any harm-doers to it, and the desire to be all in for it.”

Chani Nicholas horoscopes for the week of January 25
Photo by Matthew Kerslake on Unsplash

Courage, from a body-focused, mindfulness-honoring Hakomi method perspective, is built from the ground up in relationship. Like the qualities of the lion, and leading from the heart, the Hakomi method first establishes safety in relationship through active listening, observing and making contact with the other person’s experience.

Contacting another person’s experience may look like a gentle, “there’s worry there, huh?” when the person you’re with shows signs of worry. Or, “that feels important,” when they’re expressing something passionately or excitedly.

“The relationships that make you want to be, try, and do your best need your care and consistent devotion. It takes a lot of courage to show up and be all in, but all acts of intimacy are also profound acts of courage.”

Chani Nicholas horoscopes for the week of January 25

Then, Hakomi goes about building trust in the relationship through modeling respect of the other person’s experience and offering an honest reflection back to them. By maintaining honesty as a thread throughout the relationship.

Lastly, or even firstly, courage means being mindful. Checking in with yourself, your own experience of a situation or person, and meeting yourself with the same courageous qualities that you long to meet others with.

What does courage look like?

Photo by Aarón Blanco Tejedor on Unsplash

Building your own expression of courage and bringing it into your work in the world will look as unique as you are. Let’s look at a few examples of the ways courage can show up in your work, both small and large.

Small acts of courage

While I’m categorizing these as small acts of courage, practicing these seemingly small acts can have profound impacts on your relationship with yourself, your relationships with others at work and your relationship to your work.

  • Getting curious instead of reactive.
  • Meeting stress, mindlessness and meanness with lovingkindness.
  • Choosing to open when you feel like closing.
  • Bookmarking things and then waiting for the right time to address them more mindfully.
  • Choosing not to make the other person “bad.”

Build up to larger acts of courage

  • Directly and non-violently addressing others—in the moment—when you’re holding a difference or your expression feels like its been cut off.
  • Identifying your needs in a challenging situation and communicating those needs in a language that is meaningful for your audience—whether a coworker, manager, Human Resources representative or a third party.
  • Advocating for your needs in a way that respects and utilizes existing company hierarchies, processes, social norms and cultures. And, knowing your rights. Educating yourself or finding an advocate who can speak on your behalf, set legal boundaries, and stand up for your rights even when you’re unsure of them yourself.

Where does courage live in your body?

Photo by Sammie Vasquez on Unsplash

One of the most important, but oft-overlooked, parts of building courage is not only recognizing where courage lives in the body, but also understanding how its opposite, fear, shows up in the body.

From an Ayurvedic perspective, some may say that courage lives in the heart, while others might say it lives in the belly (solar plexus) or even the throat.

Noticing what your own courage feels like in your body, and where it resides can be a powerful tool for meeting your own fear.

Next time you meet a situation with courage—in both small or large ways—take time to notice what courage feels like in your body. Ask yourself:

  • Where do I sense or feel something in my body right now?
  • Does this feel familiar?
  • Do I have any impulses of what to do in response to this feeling?
  • Does this sensation or feeling have a shape? A color? Does it move?
  • Does this sensation or feeling have an image that comes with it?
  • If it had a voice, what might it say?

Similarly, once you recognize our own unique qualities of courage and how they show up in your body, use that energy as a tool to meet the fear that can also arise in our experience.

Next time you are feeling anxious or worried notice what fear feels like in your body. Ask yourself:

  • Where do I sense or feel tension, anxiety, or worry in my body right now?
  • Does this feel familiar? Does it have an age or a memory that comes with it?
  • Do I have any impulses of what to do in response to this feeling?
  • Does this sensation or feeling have a shape? A color? Does it freeze or move?
  • Does this sensation or feeling have an image that comes with it?
  • If it had a voice, what might it say?
  • Can I sense what it wants me to know? Can I sense what it needs?

Just the practice of noticing when courage is in your body and when fear is in your body gives you the power to meet one with the other.

Taking it a step further with the questions above can help you really get to know your own unique courage and fear.

We can be both fearful and courageous at any given moment.

What follows naturally is that next time you’re noticing fear in your body, you can begin to approach it with the courageous part of yourself that is also there and accessible to you in each moment.

We can be both fearful and courageous at any given moment. Allowing yourself to let both parts meet and holding them both simultaneously opens up communication between them. Now they may begin to collaborate on your behalf.

Where could you be more courageous in your work?

Photo by Giulia Bertelli on Unsplash

When you recognize the simple qualities that build courage, understand what courage looks like, and get to know both courage and fear inside yourself—courage will show up externally in your relationship dynamics and your work.

Discerning the moments in our workday where we can meet either ourselves or others with courage is the final step to integrating this lion-like energy.

A few common work moments where you could find your courage:

1. You’re the new person collaborating on a project with another team, and they aren’t clearly communicating or being transparent about the project.

IDENTIFY THE IMPACT: Work situations like this one can easily make you feel not only uninformed, but also unimportant. They also impact your ability to deliver on your end of the agreement.

MEET THE NEED: Recognizing you have a need for more clarity and communication, you can approach the team lead letting them know that while they’ve been working together a while, you’re new to their process. Let them know you need to understand their workflow, communication channels and preferences, and any other requirements or dependencies that are critical to consider for the project.

USE SMALL ACTS OF COURAGE:

  • Instead of taking any feelings of unimportance, disrespect or being left out personally (reaction), get curious about the facts of the matter.
  • Think about the situation from the team’s perspective and what they may be managing or distracted by.
  • Approach the team or team lead from a place of curiosity and brainstorm with them how you can be included in more communications and clarity around their plans and processes.

2. While working with a coworker who plays a different role than you do, you notice an unconscious bias operating, which comes out casually in inaccurate comments or feedback about your role, someone else’s role or the work itself.

IDENTIFY THE IMPACT: Work situations like this one can easily leave you feeling misunderstood or like something’s not fair—whether it’s about you or someone else.

MEET THE NEED: Recognizing you have a need to name the unconscious bias and want an opportunity to address it with facts, get consent that the coworker is available for feedback about a bias you’re noticing. Then approach them in a private setting you’ve agreed to.

USE BOTH SMALL AND LARGER ACTS OF COURAGE:

  • Biases often operate unconsciously, so it’s important you approach the conversation with care.
  • Focus on the bias as something you’re noticing that isn’t attributed to any particular person. Rather, you want to focus on the behaviors you recognized the bias in (comments, feedback about a role or the work itself)
  • Describe how it operates and its impact on you and your ability to effectively do your work.
  • Allow the coworker time to process what you’ve shared and come back to you with a response or next steps.

3. In an important meeting with decision-makers your manager, sounding frustrated, takes over.

IDENTIFY THE IMPACT: Work situations like this one can easily leave you feeling disrespected or undervalued. They may also impact your ability to get what you need from the meeting and its attendees or may impact your ability to deliver in a timely manner.

MEET THE NEED: Recognizing you have a need to be treated with respect and allowed space to do your job effectively, but that you may feel hurt or reactive—take time to process your own feelings about what just happened.

USE BOTH SMALL AND LARGER ACTS OF COURAGE:

  • Choose not to make your manager “bad” and instead get curious about what’s going on in their world. What is their context today? This week? Are they stressed or under pressure?
  • Bookmark the issue (internally) and discuss it at an appropriate time you’ve both agreed to.
  • At that time, maybe in a one-on-one chat with your manager, approach them with lovingkindness by assuming the best of them (giving them the benefit of the doubt).

    Approaching them with this curious, loving energy where you’re not making them “bad” but instead trying to understand their context can ease the conversation and open them to sharing what might really have been driving their behavior.

Want to build more courage within yourself, your life and your work?

Let’s explore what your unique courageous expression looks like and how it can come through in your work in the world. Schedule time for a Consultation or a ReConnection™ session with me.

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Cyclical awareness, Rhythmic realignment, The Sensitivity Cycle

5 easy tips to make like the winter season and allow yourself rest right now

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According to Ayurveda, our most vulnerable times of year are during seasonal junctions, or the fortnight between two seasons. And the late winter rhythm is rest. Learn simple tips for moving mindfully and healthfully through the late winter seasonal junction (Jan. 9 – 23). Rest to reconnect with the natural rhythms of the season and yourself.

As you welcome in a new year (and after the emotional, mental, physical and spiritual trials of 2020), you may be excited to hit the ground in a full run toward any goals you’ve set or resolutions you’ve made. But not so fast, according to Ayurveda, a time-tested science of long life originating in India more than 5,000 years ago. The late winter rhythm is rest. So, instead, the Ayurvedic approach is to make like the season does and rest.

Make like the season does and rest.

Whether you’re in a climate that has snow and cold temps during winter, or in a climate that feels more like Springtime this time of year, stopping to take note of the changing of the seasons is a simple and nourishing way we can reconnect with the larger cycles and rhythms of life.

Late winter season

Late winter is one of six seasons recognized in Ayurveda. In the Northern Hemisphere, late winter runs from January 15 through March 15 and is usually characterized by the coldest, darkest, and sometimes most difficult times of the year.

There may be more rain or snow where you are during late winter. The temps drop further as the nights cool down and the daytime sunshine doesn’t quite warm them all the way back up again. The winds pick up. The air is drier. You may want to throw on a jacket, a scarf or hat, or light up a warm fire at night while having a warm drink.


Photo by Alex on Unsplash

You’ll notice during late winter that things get quieter — gardens may lie fallow having been cut back after the Autumn and early winter harvests, the sound of birds quiets down a bit as some leave for warmer climates.

It is said that if one takes good care during these seasonal junctions, then they’ll have good health over the coming season.

And, just as the cooler nights and days call animals and humans inside to the cave, the den or by the fire. The season calls us all back home. Back inside. Back to ourselves.

The late winter seasonal junction

The seasonal junction is the fortnight, or 2-week period, between the change of two seasons. So, the late winter seasonal junction falls on January 9 – 23, overlapping early winter, which ran from November 15 – January 15 and late winter running from January 15 – March 15.

These seasonal junctions are a key time where we can find ourselves vulnerable as the season shifts and changes around us.

In Ayurveda, these seasonal junctions are a key time where we can find ourselves vulnerable as the season shifts and changes around us. It is said that if one takes good care during these seasonal junctions, then they’ll have good health over the coming season.

The late winter rhythm is rest

And like the seasons outside, rest (or relaxation, completion) is also the final phase of a full cycle in Hakomi’s Sensitivity Cycle that I talk more about in 3 signs your mind needs rest. The Sensitivity Cycle is a four-stage cycle of human experience the founder of the Hakomi method, Ron Kurtz, conceptualized in order to provide “a theoretical map of optimal life functioning emphasizing the need for sensitivity to one’s internal experience in relation to four essential stages.”

INFOGRAPHIC: The Sensitivity Cycle | Stages of Experience | Hakomi Method

The four stages create a cycle that Kurtz terms The Sensitivity Cycle, “which suggests that for a satisfying life an individual needs to:

  1. (Awareness / Clarity) be aware of, or sensitive to, one’s own essential situations and needs,
  2. (Effective Action) take appropriate action based on this clarity,
  3. (Satisfaction) experience satisfaction as a result of successful action, and
  4. (Healthy Rest / Relaxation or Completion) be able to rest and regenerate in order to become aware and clear about what is needed next (start over at Step 1).”

But, “when sensitivity is impeded via a barrier, the loop is either stalled or becomes a shallow or unsatisfying journey,” describes Kurtz in his 1990 book on Hakomi Method. “The sensitivity cycle is a process and barriers are its interruptions.” Kurtz describes a barrier as a habitual way we block increases to sensitivity in each stage of the cycle.

So, how can you take good care moving into the late winter season, and the resting stage of The Sensitivity Cycle?

In all the ways you can: rest. Since the late winter rhythm is rest, make the natural world outside mirror your world inside by using your nos, turning inward, quieting down and resting.

1. Slow down


Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

The holidays are over. We’ve started a new year. It’s the perfect time to set a new tone of slowing down rather than speeding up. This life is, after all, a marathon, not a sprint.

Slow down your morning routine and really simplify where possible. Ask yourself what gets in the way of you taking it slow, and remove that thing. Slow down the way you eat. Practice chewing your food mindfully 30 times before swallowing a bite. Slow down your speech and maybe listen a little more. Take note of each new thing you learn about those you thought you knew! Slow down the music you listen to. Make sounds around you soft and easy.

Slow down your schedule and make room for space and quiet. And, at the end of the day give yourself extra time to ease into bed by reading an hour before bedtime, turning off all the lights and turning on the soft glow of a salt lamp, smell some soft and relaxing smells, like vetiver or lavender, maybe in a salt bath or in a bedside oil diffuser. Then, get to bed by 10 p.m. at the latest. Even 9 p.m. if you’re feeling especially s-l-o-w-w-w …

2. Make time to reflect


Photo by Doug Robichaud on Unsplash

Moving in sync with the late winter rhythm of rest, find a quiet space in your home or outside in nature to reflect on the past year, the past decade. Grab a journal and an easy-writing pen, or hit the audio recorder on your smartphone and start reflecting: where are you at in this moment? Where are your thoughts? Any emotions there with you? What’s your body feeling like? What’s important to you? What isn’t working for you anymore?

One of the most impactful reflections I’ve done over the past year has been to write down this sentence in your journal:

{Fill in the blank} is …

Then free-form write whatever words come up to complete that sentence. No thinking too hard or long about what comes up, just write it down. For example, “Money is …” or “My work is …” or “My relationship is …”

This reflective exercise can help us understand how we are in relationship to these particular areas of our life. I promise you, it will be eye-opening.

3. Let go of what’s not serving you

And whatever isn’t working for you anymore… get curious about why. Then, make a decision for yourself to let go of it. Late winter’s rhythm of rest also means resting your mind and awareness by letting go of the unnecessary.

Letting go means no longer allowing it to take up our attention, our headspace or impact our emotions. How can we change the way we look at what’s not serving us so we may free up that attention, headspace and emotional energy for ourselves?

While letting go can feel much easier said than done, it’s important to understand that letting go is a practice, or sadhana. Something you keep experimenting with on a daily basis and observe how it changes over time.

The simplest way to practice letting go is to pay attention to your own breathe. Our breathe is a constant model of receiving, or allowing oxygen in, and then letting it go.

The simplest way to begin practicing letting go and move in rhythm with the late winter is to close your eyes and pay attention to your own breathing. Our breath is a constant model of receiving, or allowing oxygen in, and then letting it go. Notice: do you let in more than you exhale? Is there a difference in length between your in-breath and your exhale (you can count them both)? What is the quality of your exhale? Is it enjoyable? Brief? Does it make a sound? What does this information mean to you?

Try this video meditation for letting go from The Mindful Movement that starts with the breath and then leads you into a full-body practice of letting go. Now you’re breathe will be in alignment with the late winter rhythm of rest. Ahhh…

4. Use your nos

While we’re letting things go, we’ll need to use our nos. If it doesn’t feel restful, if it doesn’t feel rejuvenating, if it doesn’t nourish us, but only leaves us feeling “taken” then use your nos to keep letting it go and making space for what does nourish.

Block off your work calendar to give yourself space throughout the day for reflection and comfort. Then use your nos to set and keep these restful boundaries throughout your workday.

5. Do what’s relaxing and replenishing


Photo by Alice Hampson on Unsplash

How do you relax? But, more importantly, how do you relax and replenish yourself? While activities like drinking or drug use can feel relaxing, they don’t serve to replenish our systems after their effects have worn off.

Replace habits that only relax you in the short-term for those that actually replenish you over the long-term. Try adaptogenic tonics with or instead of caffeine. Adaptogens are plants and fungus, roots or herbs known for their ability to help us adapt to stressors. Adaptogens have different jobs: some increase stamina in the body, while others improve mental focus and clarity or support endocrine or reproductive system balance. Add adaptogens like ashwagandha (stamina), maca (energy, endocrine and reproductive support), astragalus root (immune system support), shatavari (nourishing, grounding, tissue and hormonal support), or brahmi gotu kola (mental focus and clarity; best with green drinks) to your favorite warm drinks in the morning, afternoon or evening.

In an Ayurvedic approach to replenishment, food is medicine. So, make your own medicine for the season.

In an Ayurvedic approach to replenishment, food is medicine. So, make your own medicine for the season. Incorporate seasonal, roasted spice mixes, called masalas and mixtures of powdered herbs and or minerals, called churnas into your daily routine.

  • Try this late winter masala from my teacher at Wise Earth School of Ayurveda. Once made put it in a spice jar and simply sprinkle it onto eggs, oats, grains, or saute it in some oil with veggies. Or, use it to season a soup or a red lentil or moong dahl.
  • Try these two simple churnas to incorporate for late winter seasonal junction:
    • Trikatu churna – helps break up congestion, increase our agni, or inner digestive fire so we can digest all that we’re reflecting on mentally, emotionally and physically in the food we eat. Take these before meals up to 3 times per day.
    • Triphala churna – helps cleanse the GI tract and colon so we’re passing the digested and assimilated mental, emotional or physical food easily through our bodies and letting what no longer serves us go through the descending colon. Take 1/2 tsp of triphala soaked in a small cup of hot water about an hour before bedtime every night.

Take your vinyasa or flow yoga routine and turn it down a few notches. Try yin yoga or restorative yoga practices on YouTube instead. Find a live-streamed yin or restorative yoga class online and restore yourself the company of a community. I like these streaming restorative classes in Austin, Texas:

Now’s the time to even slow down your meditation practice. Do what’s enjoyable and restful. Try Yoga Nidra or iRest Yoga Nidra over the late winter season to turn your meditations into deeply nourishing spaces for rest and replenishment.


Want to practice rest and rhythmic realignment?

Curious to work with someone who can help you explore how you can feel more grounded, connected and purposeful by simply connecting with life’s natural rhythms? Schedule time for a Consultation or a ReConnection™ session with me.

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Communication, Cyclical awareness, Hakomi

In a time of great discord, use your anger for effective action

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The full moon on Samhain, or All Hallow’s Eve (Oct. 31), is also considered the Hunter’s Moon. How can you utilize the fiery, warrior energy available right now to learn from what’s come before (your ancestors) while focusing with hunter-like precision on strategies and solutions that will benefit the most over the long-term?

You may be feeling uneasy. An engrossing sense of injustice. The gravity of the role each of us has played in mindsets, mentalities, systems and schemes that reek of the stench of imbalance. And even with the exhaustion and overwhelm, you may be feeling your anger for the first time in a long while. Or, your grief is simply cloaked in what appears to be anger right now.

You’re seeking justice. Longing for some sense of control again. Done with the status quo. Any talk of “returning to normal” thrown carelessly to some corner of your life at this point. Like last year’s crumpled Holloween mask littering a crowded floor that’s felt like avoiding land mines to cross it these last many months.

“Conjunct Uranus, this Full Moon brings perhaps an unwelcome change and a rebellious streak that is unpredictable. If you are feeling like your fur has been rubbed the wrong way, there is no right side of the bed, and nothing sits quite right, don’t worry. Discord is cosmic too.”

Chani Nicholas from “Horoscopes for the Full Moon in Taurus”

This is the second of two full moons in one month. Considered the Hunter’s Moon: where we line our stores with meat enough for the long winter ahead. This full moon, usually grounded by the Taurean energy it shines in, is more like a spirit, disembodied and shrieking… frantically searching for something to cling to again.

Inspired by Astrologer and Author, Chani Nicholas‘s readings for this full moon cycle, how can we use the anger we’re feeling (at ourselves, one another, our systems and the schemes we’ve all played a complicit role in creating)?

How can our anger, like a flame of clarity that calls and holds our attention, unflinchingly, help us focus on long-term strategies and solutions that benefit the most?

Turn the fire of anger into a single flame that guides you toward holistic solutions

“This isn’t a moon that helps us stabilize. As the Sun in Scorpio stirs up the kind of intense emotion that renders us raw, a Full Moon in Taurus is meant to be our rock to rest on in the undoing.

However, this one only further emphasizes the tectonic shifts we are in the midst of. What happens from the end of October to the beginning of November may be surprising so it is imperative that we do whatever we can to keep ourselves and our systems oriented towards long-term solutions and strategies.”

Chani Nicholas from “Horoscopes for the Full Moon in Taurus”

How can we turn the frustration and anger we’re feeling into more effective action?

  1. Don’t be the one to judge your anger
  2. Make friends with the fire you feel
  3. Allow anger to clarify
  4. Follow the flame

1. Don’t be the one to judge your anger

The first step is not to judge or shame yourself or others for feeling their anger. Even when it scares you. Especially when it feels unresolveable.

Give your anger some space. Let it be here.

Allowing it to be here is the most compassionate act you can take right now. Allowing it to be here without judgement or needing it to be any different is what will also allow its transformation.

The exact way you offer space to your anger will be unique to you. But, some ideas for offering yourself space to feel your anger include:

  • Taking distance from others who may not be able to give your anger space.
  • Finding a safe space where you can express your anger if it feels like it’s too much to physically hold and it needs to move through your body.

    Once you’re in a safe space where another won’t be surprised or scared or hurt by your expression of anger, move your body.
    • Try stomping your feet on the earth
    • Shaking every limb and part of your body in every direction
    • Pounding or punching a pillow
  • Finding a quiet space alone where you can simply be with your anger and get to know it better.

2. Make friends with what’s fuel for action

Get to know why your anger is here. Anger is often a protective veil for other emotions like unfairness, disappointment, hurt and grief.

Get to know your anger by asking yourself these questions:

  • Is my anger a protector?
  • Does my anger want justice and fairness?
  • Is my anger standing up for me where I haven’t until now?
  • Does my anger believe something should be different?

3. Allow anger to clarify

Once you’ve allowed your anger to stay and you know more about why your anger is here, ask it what it wants to change?

  • If your anger is acting as a protector, ask it what it’s protecting.
  • If your anger wants justice and fairness, inquire about what it believes is unfair or unjust.
  • If your anger is standing up for you (where you haven’t until now), ask it why it needs to play that role and how you can help.
  • If your anger believes something should be different, what is it? Ask your anger about how things should be different.

4. Follow the focused flame of your anger toward more effective action

Now that you’ve allowed your anger some space for it to be without judgement, and you know why it’s here and what it needs to change about your current reality, let it guide you.

On November 12th, Jupiter makes its third and final conjunction to Pluto at 22° of Capricorn. This just so happens to be the exact degree where Saturn and Pluto made a conjunction on January 12th, 2020.

The Saturn/Pluto conjunction is always a game-changer, era-defining in its ability to strip us of the privileges we so often take for granted. An astrological signature that exposes the infrastructures of our world, our systems, and our relationships, when it comes around (every 33-38 years) it often speaks to an issue that humanity at large must deal with.

Chani Nicholas from “Horoscopes for the Full Moon in Taurus”

Is this about the past, the present or the future?

Identify when the change happened that you couldn’t accept at the time. Does the anger come up when you’re thinking about the past or a memory?

Or does the anger emerge when you’re feeling powerless or helpless about the future? Or when you’re dreaming about what has yet to be.

If your anger is about the past…

If your anger comes from a memory or experience in your current lifetime or otherwise, how can you act as an advocate for your past self (or that of an ancestor or people)?

In what ways can you use your present set of circumstances and resources, your present mindset and clarity and compassion to be in service to this past? Not by getting stuck in its murkiness. But, by calling upon all of your resources to acknowledge what happened and the role you are playing in it.

Allow the fury to identify one, small thing you can do right now to support and advocate for that angry part of yourself who wanted your safety, protection, fairness and justice for you or your people. That part of you that just couldn’t stand to see you hurt and grieving.

If your anger is about a present situation

First, deal with the immediate rise of energy in your body that we covered in the section on not judging your anger above. Once you’ve moved the energy through your body or expressed it in a way that is safe for you and others, address it as close to the present moment it happened in as you can.

As yourself these questions about what’s causing your anger in the present?

  • Has my boundary been crossed? What is it and how?
  • Do I feel misunderstood? How?
  • Do I feel uncared about? Am I not feeling valued by someone or in a situation? Which is it and how am I feeling this way?
  • Do I feel like I don’t belong? How so?

With this pause to deal with the immediate energy in a safe way along with understanding what sort of transgression may be causing your present anger you can approach it with the person(s) you need to in a more effective way.

Schedule individual time to check in with the person(s) and share the impact their behavior had on you. A great way to approach them is using this simple nonviolent communication technique:

“When you {share their behavior here},
the impact is that {share the impact here without any judgments or stories. Only the facts}.

What I would prefer in the future is that you {share preference for behavior here}.”

If your anger is about the future…

If your anger feels helpless, hopeless or unmotivated about the future, what is one small thing you can do in your present to advocate on behalf of your future self?

  • What can you clarify next time to reduce the anger?
  • Who can you talk to or strategize with for future support?
  • Is there a way you can communicate more clearly to make sure there
    isn’t a next time?
  • What action can you take on behalf of yourself so you don’t find yourself in this same situation again?

Understanding the role you play right now and taking ownership of the role you play in your own emotions puts you back in a position of power.

Ultimately, we only have control over ourselves: how we react, how we respond, what we feel and do. So, get clear on the role you played in the situation or dynamic causing your anger, and then act as an advocate in support of your future self to mitigate the potential for an angry repeat in the future.

When you turn toward yourself in the past, the present or the future and take time to allow your anger space, express it safely, befriend it and allow it to clarify your path forward, you’re building trust. And that trust not only benefits you in the present and the future, but it will greatly benefit the whole.

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Daily practices

Watering the living seeds of our vision

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While the status quo crumbles around us, try this contemplative mindfulness practice to simplify distraction and water the living seeds of a new world.

3-min daily contemplative practice. Inspired by this incredible poem I’ve re-shared below by Poet and Spiritual Guide, Mark Nepo, this contemplative mindfulness practice calls us back to listen again to what’s really here. To be with whatever that is no matter how uncomfortable. This practice calls us to let go of distractions, to simplify, refocus our energy and “water every living seed” we want to grow right now into this new world we’re anxiously standing right at the very edge of.

“And we can churn at all that goes wrong
but then we must lay all distractions
down and water every living seed.”

Mark Nepo: Yes, we can talk

For some background … I first discovered this poem on June 1 (this week) about six years ago. At the time I was deep in the first few years of my own, more conscious, spiritual journey. It struck me then. And, seeing it return on my Facebook feed, it strikes me again now with even more depth and meaning.

The last two weeks, for me, have been challenging, have felt overwhelming at times, and have been an emotional carousel. Between the changes and reactions to COVID-19 globally and how this virus has single-handedly bubbled up to our collective surface all the ways the status quo is not working for all of us—from systemic, economic racism and grave inequalities in access to basic resources and healthcare during a pandemic, to broken food, healthcare, financial and justice systems.

The truth is that if business as usual was working, then why does it need a bailout? If capitalism is the answer, then what happened to the markets working themselves out? If governments, businesses and communities were operating “normally” than why are people of color dying disproportionately? Why are we allowing our Mother earth to be raped and ruined for paper money and a “progress” that costs so much for so many? Why have we lost so much of our reverence for Life itself that we’re willing to either dominate or discard any living being with the spark of creation running through it?

“no longer trying to make sense of pain
but trying to be a soft and sturdy home
in which real things can land.”

Mark Nepo: Yes, we can talk

I hope this poem and this contemplative mindfulness practice shed some light on the immense and ancient pain we’re all experiencing right now. I believe that this pain is a critical step in our path together as a human family. A step that brings us that much closer to dismantling the unjustness, inhumanity and imbalance in the world we’ve created for ourselves. I hope this practice leads us into the loving action of watering the seeds it will take to create a world that we can all thrive in.

I invite you to try this contemplative practice daily for 30 days alongside me. I’d love to hear what you discover are the “living seeds” you’ll water along the way. Please share in a comment below or you’re welcome to share on my Facebook or Linkedin pages.

Our contemplative inspiration: a poem by Mark Nepo

Written by poet and Spiritual Guide, Mark Nepo, from his 2016 book The Way Under the Way: The Place of True Meeting.

Yes, we can talk

Having loved enough and lost enough,
I’m no longer searching
just opening,

no longer trying to make sense of pain
but trying to be a soft and sturdy home
in which real things can land.

These are the irritations
that rub into a pearl.

So we can talk for a while
but then we must listen,
the way rocks listen to the sea.

And we can churn at all that goes wrong
but then we must lay all distractions
down and water every living seed.

And yes, on nights like tonight
I too feel alone. But seldom do I
face it squarely enough
to see that it’s a door
into the endless breath
that has no breather,
into the surf that human
shells call God.

Step-by-step daily contemplative practice

☾ ◐ ✕ ● ☉ ◯ ☉ ● ✕ ◑☽

Time needed: 3 minutes

  1. Sit somewhere quietly where you won’t be disturbed (too much).

    I suggest sitting in your favorite spot in your home or in your yard or a local park (if it’s open to the public and you’re complying with your local social distancing requirements).

    Settle your body by sitting in a chair or on a comfortable pillow or cushion on the floor. Or, find a patch of grass, some leaves, a stone or a tree trunk to sit upon.

    Turn your focus inward by closing your eyes or having a gentle gaze toward the ground.

  2. Ask yourself this question.

    When you’re ready, ask yourself either aloud or internally, whichever is most comfortable for you:

    ☾ ◐ ✕ ● ☉ ◯ ☉ ● ✕ ◑☽

    What distractions must I lay down right now?

    ☾ ◐ ✕ ● ☉ ◯ ☉ ● ✕ ◑☽

  3. Answer yourself.

    Using the responses that arise naturally from your experience in the present moment, answer yourself. Responses may look like: a sensation. An emotion. A memory or story or even words. The face of a coworker, a friend or family member. An obligation. A job or project or something you’ve agreed to whether energetically or contractually. All of these are answers and insights into the distractions you can lay down right now to simplify and refocus your energy on what is truly important.

  4. Now, ask yourself a second question.

    ☾ ◐ ✕ ● ☉ ◯ ☉ ● ✕ ◑☽

    What living seeds do I want to water in my life?

    ☾ ◐ ✕ ● ☉ ◯ ☉ ● ✕ ◑☽

  5. Answer yourself again.

    Using the responses that arise naturally from your experience in the present moment, answer yourself. Responses may look like: a sensation that comes. An emotion. A memory or story or even words. The face of a friend or family member or the image of a place and time. All of these are answers and insights into the living seeds you may want to water into being.

  6. Repeat the process of asking and answering these contemplative questions.

    Continue to ask yourself the question for the next few minutes. You can continue for as long as you’d like—from three to five to up to 10 minutes if you need it. Your responses may change or evolve. They may shift and change form.

  7. Notice what being in the present moment feels like.

    Take note of what you learn as you continue to ask yourself these questions and allow yourself to answer. Notice your own process. Is there a pattern? What helps your process? What gets in the way?

☾ ◐ ✕ ● ☉ ◯ ☉ ● ✕ ◑☽

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Communication, Relationship

4 ways we’re fighting our own healing

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Words are powerful. They have the ability to create perceptions, to spur actions and solidify beliefs. Approaching the COVID-19 pandemic with the same old worn-out, militaristic metaphors that we seem to apply to every major health scare—from AIDS to cancer to coronavirus—will keep us from healing and learning what the virus is here to teach us.

This is long overdue, so can we please change the conversation?

And, can we start by actually having a conversation—one that’s not violent? Let me explain.

If I approached you in a stressful time for both of us (kind of like right now) and said to you, “I am going to fight you and win. I will overcome you no matter what it takes.” What would happen?

Do you think you would feel at odds with me? Separate?
Would you feel scared?
Do you think we’d continue the conversation, or would it be immediately shut down?
And, what happens when a dialogue, and relationship, is shut down like that? Does it get stronger? Or grow and deepen in its ability to resiliently move through future challenges?

“We are at war with everything we relate to.”

Kevin Brown, LPC of Austin Mindfulness Center and Courage to Awaken

No. It doesn’t. Them are fightin’ words and they immediately cut off any chance for connection, creativity or resolution. And, they certainly don’t build resiliency or engage our capacity to learn, form new neural pathways or change our response in the future.

So, why is it that we collectively have a habit of turning every scary unknown that impacts us as a global family into something to be fought, to be eradicated, to be completely killed-off or overcome? Why have we pervasively made every major health scare into a competition where the outcome is so black and white? Where there will only be one winner here—the rest lose?

“It’s how we respond to our fear and our sense of vulnerability, rather than reacting to it, that will define us and this extraordinary time for decades to come.”

Carolyn (Koa) Elder, Conscious Content

Violent, militaristic metaphors are pervasive across major news organizations and in our health community

Think about it, and I welcome you to do some Google searching as well. Every major health scare we’ve been through as a nation and a global family—from HIV/AIDS to cancer to the ways we talk about and approach our physical, mental and emotional wellbeing—triggers a flood of media coverage all using militaristic language to “get rid of,” “fight,” “protect yourself against,” and the list goes on.

I’ve collected examples over the last few weeks, to give you some perspective on the pervasiveness of this issue. Take a look at some of the most widely-read news sources out there and how they talk about COVID-19.

Select any image below to view it in a gallery of news headlines using military metaphors to talk about COVID-19.

That’s a lot of headlines using violent, militaristic language, right? So, you might imagine that at least organizations and thought leaders in health and wellness may take a different approach. For example, those in human resources, medical, mental and organizational health and psychology.

Well, take a look at the coronavirus conversation within the online health and wellness community below—from global HR/People Ops organizations meant to make work happier to wellness networks, local healers, University health systems and Harvard Business Review.

Select any image below to view it in a gallery of health and wellness headlines using military metaphors to talk about COVID-19.

And lastly, what about some of the most visible mental, emotional, spiritual health and wellbeing magazine covers at the local grocery store? They surely aren’t using violent language to talk about health. Think again.

Out of a magazine rack of 36 magazines, six were focused on psycho-spiritual health and wellness. Can you guess how many of them passed the non-violent language test from their front covers? (Hint: look below.)

Select any image below to view it in a gallery of health and wellness headlines using military metaphors to talk about COVID-19.

That’s right, four of the six, or two-thirds of the mental-emotional and spiritual health and wellness magazines use violent language to refer to topics from meeting fear to understanding how thoughts can impact our DNA to how to manage procrastination.

So, if everyone—including those who are meant to be trusted experts leading the health and wellbeing conversation—is using this violent language, then it’s okay, right? Well, other than the fact that our physiology and brains don’t respond well to this kind of militaristic language. Let’s explore what actually happens when we use fighting words.

How our bodies and brains respond to fighting words

Violent language creates tension in the body. Tension in the body creates restriction which can look like holding or bracing. You can be unconsciously squeezing your shoulders in toward your neck, holding your own breath or your stance and physical structure can become rigid as if bracing against a heavy wind or preparing for an attack.

“Tension, holding, not breathing well by nature is activating the fight/flight reaction,” explains Kevin Brown, who does mindfulness, anxiety and trauma-focused therapy as a Licensed Professional Counselor of Austin Mindfulness Center and his private practice, Courage to Awaken. “Overcoming is inherently not helpful because it’s in that same ‘me versus them’ paradigm of fight-or-flight. It’s inherently flawed. You’re trying to find a peaceful state of calmness through violence and that will not work.”

“If we’re trying to bypass, suppress or restrict energy, action or information in our body or in our psyche, knowing or being, it’s … inherently disconnecting ourselves from ourselves and from each other. It perpetuates the cycle of violence.”

Kevin Brown, LPC of Austin Mindfulness Center and Courage to Awaken

And, what happens when our body engages its own fight-or-flight reaction? Well, now we’re fighting our own experience, explains Brown. “So, I’m compartmentalizing it, pushing against it, bracing myself from my own emotions, disconnecting from a feeling or energy or a part of my experience.”

Our minds may be racing or strategizing. They may go blank. Either way, this fight-or-flight reaction cuts us off from our own experience, our emotions, our gut, our heart—these essential parts of who we are.

“Emotion is information and energy,” explains Brown. “If we’re trying to bypass, suppress or restrict energy, action or information in our body or in our psyche, knowing or being, it’s not healthy. It’s creating a block. Restriction. Internal conflict. It’s not allowing what is to be. It’s inherently disconnecting ourselves from ourselves and from each other. It perpetuates the cycle of violence.”

“When your internal dialogue is centered in a language of life, you will be able to focus your attention on the actions you could take to manifest a situation that meets your needs along with those of others.”

Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD. and founder of the Center for Nonviolent Communication

Why is violent language so detrimental to our healing process?

If those of us in the field of health and wellness are attending carefully to how language impacts people in crisis/makes people feel, why do we as a collective—and especially those of us in the business of mental health, behavioral science, general health and wellness and people operations—continue to use violent language and militaristic metaphors when speaking about issues of health and wellbeing? For example, violent and friction-full words like “fight” “battle” “protect against” “get rid of” or even “overcome?”

Words are powerful. They have the ability to create perceptions, to incite actions and solidify beliefs.

(Our violent language) “is a very Western dualistic, allopathic model where you’re targeting, cutting out, removing, bypassing, etc. rather than Eastern non-dualism. It puts us at odds with everything in life.

Kevin Brown, LPC of Austin Mindfulness Center and Courage to Awaken

And perceptions, behaviors (actions) and beliefs can make or break our own healing process and that of those around us. Did you know your language can actually interrupt another person’s healing?

It’s because fighting words immediately cut off any chance for connection, creativity or resolution. Violent communication doesn’t build resiliency or engage our capacity to learn, form new neural pathways or change our response in the future.

Unpacking a commonly-used example of violent language in health and wellness contexts

Let’s dive a little deeper into one of the more common fighting words I often see used in the field of health and wellness: “overcome”.

Note that this is a real example taken from a well-respected and thought-leading educational institution in business, management, leadership and health content. I discovered it recently on LinkedIn as it was shared then by another thought leader in the field of organizational psychology speaking to leaders and suggesting this approach as a way to respond better to the unique challenges they and their teams and organizations are facing right now:

“Overcoming your instincts.”

So, what isn’t helpful about the above statement, especially during a highly-sensitive time like a pandemic?

Well, for one, the word “overcome” is violent language.

A simple way to know when you’re dealing with violent communication is to check if there’s an implied “should” or a “have to” in the statement:

“[You should/have to] overcome your instincts.”

1. Violent language supports hierarchical or domination societies

When you find the message/wording does imply a “should” or a “have to” you’ve got what psychologist Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD. calls, “life-alienating” communication. “Life-alienating communication both stems from and supports hierarchical or domination societies, where large populations are controlled by a small number of individuals, to those individuals benefit.”

Are environments full of hierarchy, dominance or control usually supportive to those of us who are most vulnerable? Do you think these environments support our natural process of healing?

2. Violent language creates shame

Violent communication, at its heart, creates a level of self-hatred, self-blame, guilt or shame. It often speaks to “an innate evil or deficiency, and a need … to control our inherently undesirable nature,” says Dr. Rosenberg in his book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life.

Shame cuts us off from the kind of nourishment and resources we really need to move through whatever it is that we’re facing with our health and wellbeing. This is where resilience goes to die. For more on the research behind shame and its impacts on our wellbeing, check out University of Houston Research Professor, Brene Brown’s book, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead.

“Self-judgements, like all judgments, are tragic expressions of unmet need.”

Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD. and author of “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life”

3. Violent language creates self-opposition

This innate assumption that we should take control of our natural state of being puts us in opposition to ourselves. “Overcome” creates a subtle image of using force or will to physically or energetically overpower something. Self-opposition puts us at odds with our very nature, making us bad and hooking us back in to another shame or guilt cycle.

4. Violent language often assumes our instincts are wrong

The statement above also assumes our instincts are inherently wrong. That we cannot be trusted to navigate our world using our own inherent resources.

Is it helpful for your own growth when you feel you’re being made wrong about something?

When you’re feeling “wrong” do you feel open? Creative? Collaborative? Probably not. Are you self-reflective, receptive and ready to learn? Definitely not.

“Feeling compassion for ourselves in no way releases us from responsibility for our actions. Rather, it releases us from the self-hatred that prevents us from responding to our life with clarity and balance.”

Tara Brach “Reaching Out For Compassion“

Is there a better way?

There is a better way, and it’s through responding rather than reacting. In this case, responding starts by mindfully changing the conversation wherever we engage in it: online and in our everyday lives.

And it looks like holding ourselves and others accountable for perpetuating the conversation—whether unconscious or not.

“When you get caught in one mode, or use, of language it can become a problem. The power of language is that it’s a reflection of our consciousness, but it also directs our consciousness to a particular framework and mentality.”

Kevin Brown, LPC of Austin Mindfulness Center and Courage to Awaken

Here’s how to start changing the conversation from one that is innately violent in nature, to one that is life-giving and regenerative simply through your own awareness.

Start by noticing when violent communication is happening

  • Where do you have a habit of using violent language to describe your own physical, mental, emotional or spiritual experience?
  • Can you start to notice when you see and hear those around you use violent language to speak about health matters involving themselves or others?

Then, employ the five qualities of responding mindfully to the situation

Once you’ve noticed how often you’re using violent language to speak to yourself, others or about health matters, and noticed how it shows up in social and work situations, you’ll want to employ the five qualities of responding mindfully. I summarize them below, but talk more about the five qualities of responding in my article on responding rather than reacting to fear.

  • Responding always starts with a pause.
  • Responding gets curious.
  • Responding makes contact with the present experience.
  • Responding tries not to identify with the experience.
  • Responding takes responsibility for how it feels.

If you’re resonating with this content and want more ways to take loving action for yourself in your work (and life), please join my email list.

Mindfulness for work that serves the greater collective good.

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